…disaster will strike. It’s a weird feeling overall. It’s like sitting fairly comfortably in a hole or cave, just waiting for the flood to come. I don’t know when, but I know it will happen. Despite this knowledge, I’m still not able to move, get my ass up in the air and walk.
I’m so tired every day. I really have no idea why I’m so tired. When I sit in front of the computer, like yesterday, I force myself to start working on something, but I almost fall asleep, can’t keep my arms up, my fingers moving. Then suddenly, with no trigger whatsoever, it starts to become easier. Energy comes back and I can work like the tiredness never happened. I’m not sure what I can do about it. I think I have a lack of Vitamin B12, but then, wouldn’t I always be tired?
My new room is so bleak and reverb-y, I had some ideas to make it more colorful and ready for winter today. Though I have to get out for that, preferably in the morning, but I never wake up before 10. If I manage to get up one day and find cheap things to make this room less gray, it might help me to stay positive and push through winter.
I’m still looking for jobs, but there is nothing out there, especially for my age. I was thinking to go back to freelance work, because I think that a big part of my reluctance to find a job is that I don’t want to be employed. I’m not an employment kinda person. Those 5 years with HP were the worst 5 years of my life. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but it just didn’t feel right. In a way I believe that these 5 years broke me. I’m hoping not beyond repair, but it’s been almost 3 years now. Granted in those 3 years, I studied film producing, I worked a bit freelance on film productions, and I shot my own movie. Overall though, I lost my grip. Especially after I had to come back to Europe.
Europe poses a few problems for myself. FIRST, there are not many jobs in film production that are not in advertising. SECOND, especially in the German speaking countries they produce German content, which I despised for the most part of my life. I can’t really think like a German audience anymore, because I never consume German content in any way. THIRD, Europe hates to employ older people. Especially those who start out fresh in an industry. FOURTH, I am so versatile that I could work in so many areas, but that also gives me less of a chance, because I can’t really focus on one industry. I know that I don’t want to work in IT anymore. I could imagine to work in publishing, but I really want to work in film producing. Without experience in the German industry and without my passion for German language content I’m lost though.
I wish I could find an international production that films here in Europe. No matter where, as long as I can go there. Sadly I don’t know how to find these productions, because I think they are mostly controlled from the US. How to get in there is my big question. Just writing letters to producers and directors, would that help? I guess I’ll never know if I don’t sit down and do it. I could also look at films and figure out who those production companies are that help out with international productions here in Europe. I know that the Matrix 4 is filming in Berlin, Riley filmed in Finland, and I guess there are a ton of others doing the same right now.
That’s the kind of work that would really wake me up and get me going 24/7. I don’t think I lack energy. I lack opportunity. I always hope opportunity finds me, but I guess that’s the wrong assumption. I have to find opportunity, it won’t find me.