Author: admin

Mom is dead

/ admin

My mom died 2 weeks ago. She’s been diagnosed with late stage cancer right before Easter. They said she probably has only 5 weeks to live. Doctors told her, but she didn’t want to acknowledge it. After her strokes in 2018 she had short term memory disfunction and some new memories sticked and some didn’t. She became weaker and weaker. She barely ate or drank. She still defied the odds of the prognoses and made it to almost 3 months. The last 2 weeks were tough for her. She was fully aware about everything around her. Which made it even harder to watch. She didn’t suffer pain, but she had nightmares and had a hard time breathing. I spent as much time as possible with her, despite the fact that her toxic husband was always around. In the morning of the day she died she came back a bit. Mobilizing her last energy. In the evening I got the call from her husband that she took her last breath. I rushed to her, and stayed with her for 3 hours until the undertaker took her away. I’m still crying thinking about it. Goodbye, mom, your are finally free of all your fears.

RIP

I’m uncertain about my feelings…

/ admin

but should I bother about that? Because when am I not uncertain about them?

I found a new room to live in, and I moved in in October. It has been a turbulent time since then, because it wasn’t that easy to find my place here with the roommate situation. It’s weird to say the least, though I have to to tell this another time, when I can see more clearly.

On the other hand I found work. Freelance work. After 2 years of looking. Finally. It’s sadly not what I wanted, because it’s IT again. I would have rather done some producing work. The job should have started December 1, but due to the pandemic, and our 4th lockdown here in Austria, they weren’t able to get the necessary hardware for me delivered. I’m not sure when my job will actually start, but I hope soon. My financial situation hasn’t gotten any better since my last posting in September. I’m even more in debt and it’s hard to keep afloat. Even when the job starts soon, as it is freelance work I won’t see any money before spring, probably. It’s a tough spot I’m in, but it should become easier once spring arrives. Right now we are only 2 weeks away from winter and the day when days are getting longer again.

Almost 2 Years Down the Drain?

/ admin

It’s probably been 2 years since I am in this fog, this depression, this heartbroken self, wallowing in my pity.

In recent weeks, probably sparked by the urgency of finding a new room, running out of money, and trying to survive, I feel the need, no, the urge to create again. It’s the worst of times to have this feeling, to suddenly want to do everything at the same time, but not having enough time to contribute to any project that is still in the pipeline. Finishing my movie, creating new music, writing a new feature, all of that has to go on the back burner, because of the room search, the job search, and the search for options to survive past September. How to put food on the table, how to pay rent, how to pay for all the other little things in life that make life worth living. Those latter things are already stripped down to the barest minimum, but still weigh heavy. What should I sell first?

I have help, sort of. Friends who don’t want to see me starve, family who doesn’t want to see me on the street. But the government is no help in any way since I am back. I’ve been away for so long, that I have no right to any help. Thank you Austria, you are a peach, as always. Why am I even here in this pretentious country. I live without health insurance since January 2020, I live without income since January 2018. I had a lot of savings, but all of that is gone. I still own half a house, not worth much, but it would be enough to get me through until my pension will be paid out December 2022. It would be enough to have a room, where I could live without rent, but there are members of my family who make this impossible. If I would be a shitty person I would kick them out of the house, but I am not a shitty person, I am a filial daughter, let them live rent free, I rather suffer than make other people suffer. Even when they hurt me. It’s like one of those Chinese period dramas. Though I really don’t want to die because of others stupidness, greed and happiness.

In the last 2 weeks I had ideas how to get through this difficult time, and I will figure something out, I will find a suitable room, I will find a job in the end, I will finish my open projects and start new ones. I may even start my own company.

There is light at the end of my dark tunnel in my head. It’s not steady, but there is a glimmer now and then, and there must be an exit up ahead. Wish me luck as I stumble forward, bruised, sometimes crying, but slowly healing.

I do not seem to care that…

/ admin

…disaster will strike. It’s a weird feeling overall. It’s like sitting fairly comfortably in a hole or cave, just waiting for the flood to come. I don’t know when, but I know it will happen. Despite this knowledge, I’m still not able to move, get my ass up in the air and walk.

I’m so tired every day. I really have no idea why I’m so tired. When I sit in front of the computer, like yesterday, I force myself to start working on something, but I almost fall asleep, can’t keep my arms up, my fingers moving. Then suddenly, with no trigger whatsoever, it starts to become easier. Energy comes back and I can work like the tiredness never happened. I’m not sure what I can do about it. I think I have a lack of Vitamin B12, but then, wouldn’t I always be tired?

My new room is so bleak and reverb-y, I had some ideas to make it more colorful and ready for winter today. Though I have to get out for that, preferably in the morning, but I never wake up before 10. If I manage to get up one day and find cheap things to make this room less gray, it might help me to stay positive and push through winter.

I’m still looking for jobs, but there is nothing out there, especially for my age. I was thinking to go back to freelance work, because I think that a big part of my reluctance to find a job is that I don’t want to be employed. I’m not an employment kinda person. Those 5 years with HP were the worst 5 years of my life. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but it just didn’t feel right. In a way I believe that these 5 years broke me. I’m hoping not beyond repair, but it’s been almost 3 years now. Granted in those 3 years, I studied film producing, I worked a bit freelance on film productions, and I shot my own movie. Overall though, I lost my grip. Especially after I had to come back to Europe.

Europe poses a few problems for myself. FIRST, there are not many jobs in film production that are not in advertising. SECOND, especially in the German speaking countries they produce German content, which I despised for the most part of my life. I can’t really think like a German audience anymore, because I never consume German content in any way. THIRD, Europe hates to employ older people. Especially those who start out fresh in an industry. FOURTH, I am so versatile that I could work in so many areas, but that also gives me less of a chance, because I can’t really focus on one industry. I know that I don’t want to work in IT anymore. I could imagine to work in publishing, but I really want to work in film producing. Without experience in the German industry and without my passion for German language content I’m lost though.

I wish I could find an international production that films here in Europe. No matter where, as long as I can go there. Sadly I don’t know how to find these productions, because I think they are mostly controlled from the US. How to get in there is my big question. Just writing letters to producers and directors, would that help? I guess I’ll never know if I don’t sit down and do it. I could also look at films and figure out who those production companies are that help out with international productions here in Europe. I know that the Matrix 4 is filming in Berlin, Riley filmed in Finland, and I guess there are a ton of others doing the same right now.

That’s the kind of work that would really wake me up and get me going 24/7. I don’t think I lack energy. I lack opportunity. I always hope opportunity finds me, but I guess that’s the wrong assumption. I have to find opportunity, it won’t find me.

I’m not fine…

/ admin

I’m not fine.

Proof that I am not fine is that I am starting to write here again. I’ve been okay for a bit, but that might just have been a big fat lie.

After school, which I aced with a GPA 4.0, I went on to my OPT. And here I failed. I failed to move on. I worked on many freelance projects… for free. I think that’s where the word free-lance comes from, right? But I wasn’t able to move on from love, until I had to. It was a tough time, but I somehow managed. Beaten, hurt, slayed. I started to write my story for my short film, based in part on my life. It took me forever to plan, to lay out, and actually write. I had help from good friends along the way. But as per usual, I didn’t have anyone to walk this with me, side by side. I did it alone, and I think this is one of the reasons why I’m not fine. In some situations you need someone on your side. Someone that takes your hand, looks into your eyes, and says, everything will be fine.

I have a few good friends. Friends who try their best to keep me on track. Friends who lovingly listen and give advice. But overall they have their own life, their own problems, and I can’t burden everyone with what is going on inside me.

But I still have to tell you, the inside of me right now is dark. Maybe not as dark as it has been once before, but dark in a way that makes me scared. I am afraid. I am anxious. And I do not know how to fix it. I am actually despondent. I had dire times in my life before. It was different though. I was younger, I could take more, I could make the right decisions to make it okay again.

When I fall, I usually get up and keep going. Like with the attempted robbery that I escaped recently. My knee still hurts, which reminds me of the incident every day. But I am confident that once the pain is gone I will forget. Like I always do. But with my upcoming life in general, I don’t know. I can’t seem to forget. Because it’s in the future. How can you forget the future? And on top of that, this time, I feel tired. All the time. I try to escape. But wherever I run, I end up at the beginning again. Only a few hours later in time. Not helping at all. It’s making it worse, because I know that I wasted time.

Are there any specific fears? Yes, I can name many. First of all, money. I’m running out way too fast. Then what will happen when I land in the cold in January? Where will I live. Will I find work to survive? Will I ever be able to come back? Do I even want to come back? And then my project…

I’m currently coming up with fake plans to hide behind. I want to come back, I want to see China, I want to work in production on a big feature. Things I put in front of me like a shield, a shield I know is just made of thin paper, and I hope others won’t see how fragile it is.

I want to reach out to talk. But I can’t, because it’s just too much to put on to someone else who barely keeps going with their own life. I’m at a point again, where I am desperately looking for the off switch, but I am not an android.

The last project I shot was my own short film that I wrote, produced, and directed. Produced is a bit of an understatement. I lost two producers along the way. Why? It could have been me, it could have been them, who knows. It wasn’t a good fit I guess. As it was my project, I did care a lot, but no one else did. Until one girl appeared out of nowhere and she cared. She cared about me, she cared about the project, and we got through it, together, side by side. It was like the first freelance project I did last year, but way better. Better in terms of harmony, better in terms of trust. Though everything that could go wrong with this project actually did go wrong. And I almost pulled the plug.

But all of that is only secondary to me. Primarily, with this project, I tore open old wounds. Wounds I was trying to heal since forever. Wounds that never actually healed though. And now, I am going on stage and say, here, see my scars. See what’s under my skin. The me that I thought I could hide for the last 21 years. The me whose only wish was to blend in. To be another fish in the pond. The me that never was another fish in the pond. (Though to some of you I was, and I love you for that. You know who you are.)

That’s what makes me not fine the most.

This lingering feeling in my tummy.

The uncertainty.

When thunder strikes…

/ admin

When thunder strikes and you are out there in an open field there is no place to hide. You can only hope that you will survive. Wake up unscathed and ready to walk on. You are not in control of what happens in between. You wish you would, but that’s never happening.

The same principle applies to love.

Maker:0x4c,Date:2017-10-30,Ver:4,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar01,E-Y

When love strikes you, you are out blind. Trying to cope with it as good as you can, especially when it’s an impossible love. Your brain runs in circles at times and you wish for an off switch, but there is none. You are very aware of what’s going on, but still act like a remote controlled drone. You talk to everyone about it, but the one person you should talk to, because you have the feeling that so much is at stake.

Love is just a chemical, like happiness, and you know it. But are you able to get it out of your system? The only way, in my opinion, is to let it run it’s course. Know that it will fade over time. And maybe have the courage to talk to that one person.

It’s over…

/ admin

The last 3 3/4 months went by in a blink of an eye.

Final week is done. The first semester is over.

I have no clue about my grades and I think I shouldn’t even care. It will be fine, but will I be fine? This last week took a lot of energy out of me. I didn’t sleep much (none of us did), there had to be so many things finished and we had to prep for several final exams. Everyone had a meltdown, only I didn’t have one. Or so I thought. Today after our last final exam (and last class for this semester), on my way home in the car, and after all the pressure was finally released, I turned into a sobbing bundle of sadness.

It took me a bit to contain myself, but once I recovered, I said, F.U. (which we all know stands for Fair Use), and drove out to Disneyland to see the Fireworks (and to blast music in the car on my way out and back to numb my brain).

This week will be about watching all the movies that I missed.

I already started. Friday “A Quiet Place” (Brilliant, especially the Sound Edit), Saturday “Deadpool 2” (Lots of references and it takes some time to get going. Great one nonetheless) and “Life of the Party” (Sorry Melissa, but this movie is just crap. I still love you), Sunday “2001 A Space Odyssey” in re-printed 70 mm at the Arclight Hollywood Dome (just amazing, and so great to hear the Blue Danube Waltz so far away from home). Thank you Christopher Nolan (who was there) and Warner Bros.

Aliens – A Story about Love?

/ admin

I think I suddenly see Aliens (the movie) in a whole new light. Is it really about horror or about killing to stay alive? Or is it a metaphor about love? The feelings you have in your tummy, the knot, the butterflies, the airplanes, aren’t these the Aliens we sometimes have to fight? You cringe every single time, want to keep them at bay, but it’s so hard. They want to come out, if you want it or not, and they can kill you, or at least drive you nuts for a while.

And what’s up with the flamethrower in a confined space with people around? How unsafe was this set? Crazy pants!

Me, a few years back. What does it have to do with Aliens you ask? Nothing. Though I feel like I am harboring an Alien right now.

Me, a few years back. What does it have to do with Aliens you ask? Nothing… I guess.

 

A Gap(ing Hole)

/ admin

No, Earth didn’t open up a hole. At least for now. But I’ve been very busy in the last three months. And sick. Very sick (t’was the real flu).

That time in February when I had the flu was the worst. I still tried to do my best at school, but it was hard to keep up. I was so happy once this passed after 2 weeks. Suddenly life became much easier again. It felt like I lost a solid rock off my back, or gravity was reduced, or a big rubber band that was holding me back snapped. I was so relieved. Especially when my appetite returned.

School is demanding, I can tell you. So far we had 4 shoot days for 4 different projects. Twice on the Universal backlot, once at a sound stage at school (which I missed, because I had 103.6 F fever that day), and our documentary shoot last weekend. All that footage still needs to be edited, too. Nothing is finished so far. Next couple of weeks will be fun.

What else happened in life? To be honest, not much. There is barely any time for activity outside of school. I managed to sneak 3 tiny Disneyland visits in. A movie here and there. A few hours with friends. But it’s way less than I would do if I were here on vacation. It’s fine though. The weather starts to become a bit more stable and warm. And I like to be here. In the moment. Able to attend screenings when they happen. And not having to look virtually over the pond and cry me a river.

What about school in general? Mid terms passed and I have A’s in all but one class. Elements of Screenwriting, where I have a B. Why? Well, let’s not get into it.

Sound is fun. First half was the technical side of recording sound on set. Second half is how to improve sound in post-production with Pro Tools.

Post-Production is fun. Learning how to edit movies in AVID with an amazing instructor who is a genius in the field.

Scheduling/Budgeting is a lot of data entering. I never wanted to be an accountant. This comes very close to being just that.

Directing is interesting. I learned things, but I am not sure if I am able to direct anything after this class.

Cinematography/Lighting is fun. Our instructor has a plethora of jokes. He doesn’t like when I make the jokes though. I like the chemistry, and I permanently step over boundaries to see how far I can go.

Law/Business is a lot of fun. That’s probably something you won’t understand, but our instructor is the bomb. I couldn’t believe it myself. Even with the weekly quizzes we have, it is a very enjoyable class. And on top of it, I probably learned the most in this class. Very exciting, very complex, but when you know all of this, your life becomes that much easier in production.

Documentary is, how should I put it, so la la.

And that’s it for the first semester which will end after the second week in May. Then I have a week to regenerate, and off we go to have even more fun in the second semester.

Things are shaping up well, but I am in bad shape

/ admin

To get the elephant out of the room, yes somehow I caught a cold last Monday. I have no idea when and where, but I also hear my roommates sneeze, so I guess it could have been them. Who knows who patient zero was anyway. It’s not as bad as it usually was in Switzerland, but I don’t like it nonetheless.

Now on to the positive developments. When I visited IKEA last Saturday, I finally managed to return the glass frame that I bought in false hope that my Disneyland poster would fit in, but didn’t, and I bought a nightstand with two drawers in the same color as my bed is. Currently it doesn’t fit next to my bed, because I still have this @#$% futon in my room, despite the fact that my rental agreement says that the room comes unfurnished. I have to manage this once we are all back to good health, not bothering anyone right now. For now the nightstand is situated next to my door and works fabulously there. While assembling it, with a mellow EDM playlist from Google Play Music playing softly in the background, and it was also a quiet and warm Saturday evening, I suddenly had the feeling that I am ready to fall in love again. Sadly the feeling has evaporated the next day, and with me being sick right now, it couldn’t be further away. Let’s hope it comes back, I liked it.

Maker:0x4c,Date:2017-10-30,Ver:4,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar01,E-ve

Nightstand w/ Drawers

Second thing I bought was a desk. Well, the desk plate, as they where still out of the cone shaped legs that come with it. It’s made out of bamboo, and I am wondering why not everything is made out of bamboo. It’s lightweight, it grows like crazy and it’s cheap. I can balance it on one hand. Almost. I guess the legs should be in right now, but in my condition I don’t want to drive out to IKEA. Next week is soon enough, as I will still be on vacation. Orientation for NYFA starts Tuesday, Jan 30. I got the schedule for the first week this morning. It will be all about getting to know your way around for the first week.

Another major thing that happened this week. Thanks to a friend of mine I am the proud new owner of a used car. It’s a Nissan Versa Special Edition, 2012. It had only one previous owner and only 24.000 miles on it’s odometer. It was a bargain. Still about $2.000 more than what I wanted to spend, but I couldn’t resist. I will get it on Monday or Tuesday, as soon as the money transfer went through. I already have insurance, too. I can tell you, compared to Europe car insurance over here doesn’t even cover a bleeding nose or a fender bender, so low are the insurance sums. If I derail an oil tanker train or shove accidentally a rocket transport off the road, I am screwed.

Maker:0x4c,Date:2017-10-30,Ver:4,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar01,E-ve

Nissan Versa Special Edition 2012

 

That is all for now, apart from the fact that I’ve been to Disneyland only twice so far (once alone, once with my friend Sandy), that I will go to Vegas tomorrow (with a bold friend, not fearing my cold) to attend a fancy dinner and see “O” afterwards (but sadly have to ditch a private concert with the lovely Natalie Dawn and Pomplamoose, because I forgot it will also happen on the 20th, which was so dumb, I could still slap my own face all day), and that I like to hang out at Rachael’s, Ned’s, Meagan’s and Marshall’s place to watch Star Trek: Disco with them each Sunday (or Monday, if Sunday doesn’t work out). That said, I like to hang out at their place no matter what, and if I could live there, I would. I love them all.